Childhood Blueprints: Maps to an Imagined Destination
I remember standing in my new home office, business launched, two young children, and thinking, “When will I feel like I’ve actually made it?” Despite having checked all the boxes on my life’s to-do list, that promised feeling of arrival remained out of reach.
What is life about? What is the purpose of being here? These were questions I would think about back when I was a kid. Before smart phones and constant distractions. I imagined what it would be like when I was an adult. I had this ideal state of life where you had all the answers. An adult isn’t going to be taken by surprise, I thought. I was going to be wise. Problem? I would have the answer. The plan is laid out, right? Get through school. Do well enough to get into college. Find a career. Start a family. Arrive.
The First Mirage: When Goalposts Begin to Move
Life for me happened as it does for most people. I did most of those steps that we all attempt to do. Then something happened. I got married. Shortly after that my wife and I had my first child. The goalposts moved on me. I now saw older adults as the wise ones.
Chasing Ghosts: Looking Backward to Move Forward
I thought of my childhood and recounted the memories and experiences with my family. Especially, that time when you first get your consistent recall around 5-6 years old all the way through high school. There were so many things to look back on. There was a feeling I was looking to recreate. And I was projecting that feeling forward in time with what I thought life should look like.
False Starts: The “Real Life” Always Just Ahead
I was a new dad. Then 3 years later we had another child. The clock was reset. There was a feeling of a new beginning. I was looking forward to when the “real” parenting and family times would start. At that point, I was a novice, for sure. I didn’t really know what was going on past my day to day life. A lot of chaos. Taking care of a baby. I started a business. It was the start I wanted.
The Invisible Finish Line: Always Out of Reach
One day, I’d be in that place where I knew I had made it. Stable career. Growing family. And the true knowing that I had finally “arrived”. But that feeling never arrived. I was caught up in looking for something to tell me I was where I needed to be.
The Endless Pursuit: Never Enough
My business was great. It was what I wanted but I couldn’t help but think there was more. More peace? More stability? I wasn’t sure. Maybe I needed to take the family on another epic vacation. Have a few more blowout holiday celebrations. More memories. A bigger house? A nicer family vehicle? Anything in my mind to build on what I thought could be better.
The Waiting Room: Living in Suspended Animation
At that time, I was thinking things were just getting started. I wasn’t there yet. To be honest, I’m not even sure that I wanted to be there. Whatever “there” looked like. Maybe it was keeping me going in a way. That lack of satisfaction was helping me do more. Provide more. And focus on the future.
Breaking the Cycle: The Business of Self-Discovery
Starting my own business accelerated my self-awareness. I had no boss. I answered to no one. Nobody to blame. No hierarchy. Just me. I was accountable to myself. No excuses remained. I was forced to learn how to have patience and understanding for myself. There were countless struggles, doubts, and failures. There were just as many successes. None of either success or failure brought me to a place of arrival. This was an important realization. Life just goes on. You have to keep moving. It helped being a therapist that I understood human psychology. If you don’t understand how the mind works, it’s easy to get pulled into the story of constant controlling and doing.
The Present Reality: Where I Stand Now
That was over 10 years ago. Now my kids are 13 and 10. I have a loving family. My career has been in place for 15 years. And still that feeling of arrival I thought would come to me, hasn’t. And I’m glad it didn’t.
The Liberation of Uncertainty: Finding Freedom in Not Knowing
I’ve been more present the last few years of my life. I still don’t really know anything. I probably know less now than ever. I’ve given up on finding the answer. You only need an answer when you believe you’re lacking something. We spend so much of our time and energy doing. Looking for more. Looking for something to tell us who we are and where we are going. It’s our mind’s way of making sense of our lives. Finding purpose. And there’s nothing wrong with purpose and looking forward to things.
The High Cost of Tomorrow: What We Sacrifice by Waiting
It’s just that when you spend your time and energy living in the future, and in many ways the past, you are never present. You aren’t living life now. We judge our lives to what we know and what we think we should know. We try and give our kids and family our best experiences that we had. We try and take away from them all of the mistakes and pain that we went through. Seeking, searching, planning, analyzing, judging. We want to capture and recapture what we perceive as success, happiness, and peace. Then we want to avoid what we assume is difficult and painful. And when you have kids and a family you are also trying to do that for them too. But can you really do that if you are constantly trying to avoid problems and strive for some idea of success?
Life Begins Now: The Profound Power of Presence
What makes life good is being aware it’s going on right now. All of it. The good, bad, fun, joyful, painful, tragic, and hard. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about family, our personal lives, our relationships, or our career. None of it matters if we aren’t paying attention to what is going on now in the present and in the present moment. Actually feeling love. Living life and accepting it as it is.
Where in your life are you postponing your presence for some future arrival? Consider: What milestone or achievement are you waiting for before you allow yourself to fully live? Maybe you’ll discover that life begins when you stop waiting for it to start.
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