When was the last time you had a conversation with another man that went beyond work, sports, or something surface-level?
For the men I work with, the answer is usually:
“I can’t remember,”
or
“I used to do that but I don’t have those types of relationships anymore.”
This is just the beginning of what’s going wrong.
For over 15 years, I’ve worked one-on-one with men with different life histories and challenges. While their circumstances differ, the patterns I’ve seen are consistent. What looks like a stable life and success on the outside often covers up an inner struggle that most are unable to completely acknowledge.
These are the challenges men are facing today that rarely make it into mainstream conversation. What I’ve noticed points to fundamental needs going unmet in men’s lives that deserve attention.
Disconnection From Other Men
Men are mostly disconnected from other men.
They no longer have the social circles that once served them. Their friend groups are difficult to maintain as they age and move through their lives dedicating their time and energy to their responsibilities — work, marriage, family. If you are a man, you get this. When you see yourself and your old friends moving through their lives, it’s easy to see where you’ve struggled making time for each other.
Men tend to end up neglecting their marriage because the only adult person they are focusing on is their intimate partner.
Men help each other sort out their emotions and feelings in a way that their marriage may not be able to. They tend to bottle up their feelings as to not burden their significant other. This can add to their emotionally disconnected state.
Men struggle making time to have fun for the sake of having fun.
Remember when you made intentional effort to “hang out” or to play or watch a game? With all of the responsibilities of life, having fun can feel like just another thing to plan for.
When men don’t have a healthy social outlet, they stay locked into their thinking minds.
This is the same part of the mind that expends energy at work and managing tasks at home. Men may not look isolated, or even realize it, but it’s very common for men to say they feel “lonely.”
Loss of Purpose & Challenge
Men lack a felt sense of purposeful individual challenge.
Go to school. Get good grades. Get into college. Graduate. Get a job. Establish a career. Build a family. Pay bills and taxes. Sustain all of it. This is what most men go through only to find an inevitable plateau. However, men are wired for challenge. They are wired for growth through those challenges. When they stabilize in midlife they can lose that edge from being competitive and finding new challenges. This loss of a consistent goal and focus on growth can lead to burnout and depression.
Men get stuck and stagnant in provider roles.
Because men are natural providers they spend much of their time and energy focusing on how to provide to their families. This often comes at the neglect of their own wants and needs. A man with an empty tank has a hard time maintaining the focus and drive to feel alive and thriving. They need to both provide and find the satisfaction of meeting and working through obstacles and challenges.
Men are overwhelmed with responsibilities that prevent healthy risk-taking.
Human beings seek safety and certainty. Once a man has established a flow of income and a routine that serves his family, he might not seek more healthy risks in his life. Remember when you were living simply and making ends meet? Sure, you were not where you are now. But the risks you were taking to “be and do more” were exciting and life-giving. A life void of risks creates a life that is primed for burnout and stagnation.
Lack of Self-Growth Awareness
Men struggle with emotional and relational development.
It’s easy to do what you know how to do best. We do more of what we are good at because we like familiarity. But when we get to a certain point in our lives we notice that something is missing. We’ve checked all the boxes, but we are not happy. Men may or may not recognize their need for personal and spiritual growth. But it is there. Working on their outside responsibilities and circumstances isn’t enough.
Men are at a loss knowing where to begin with self-growth.
Not only is it lacking, but men tend to not know where to start to begin a self-growth routine and practice. You go to school and learn. You get a career and learn on the job. You get a family and you are forced to learn. Men usually have not been taught self-awareness. And when they begin to see and feel there are holes in their lives they cannot fill, they don’t know where to begin.
Men have difficulty processing emotions constructively.
Men tend to feel one emotion predominantly: anger. Anger is empowering. Anger gets things done. But when other emotions that are lying beneath that anger are not addressed, men might project that anger and frustration onto the people they love and onto themselves.
Men have resistance to group settings for personal development.
Men tend to not be comfortable opening up with others and in groups. But it is in groups and communities that men can heal and heal one another. When men can work through that resistance to discomfort of bonding with other men, they are able to open up a whole new side to their being.
Men believe they must solve everything alone.
Men want to do things on their own. They want to solve problems by themselves. I’m even surprised how often I am stubborn in not asking for help. On road trips, I balk at asking for directions when my GPS is failing. But the thing is that we cannot do life on our own. We cannot solve all the problems we face alone. And we cannot solve our deepest problems by ourselves.
Where We Go Next
In the next email, I’ll share what happens when men try to solve these challenges with content, quick fixes, or more doing and why it keeps them stuck.
The Life Made Conscious Community
I’m starting a community for men who are looking to connect and move to the next level in their lives.
If the post above hits home, and the community sounds like something you’re interested in –
Send me an email to john@lifemadeconscious:
👉 Say “I’m interested”
I’ll send you the early access link for the Life Made Conscious Community.
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Talk soon,
John
What are your thoughts?