I’ve been practicing. Trying to be more patient with my daughter. A better listener. The kind of dad who doesn’t lose it over algebra homework.
It’s 10pm on a Tuesday. She’s staring at her homework like it personally betrayed her. “Dad, why do I even need to learn this?”
And there it is. The moment my carefully practiced patience starts cracking.
My daughter is fully entering her teen years and there’s this new human in my house that’s in a mood every other day. She’s emotional, excited, and anxious all at the same time.
When she’s in one of her moods, the whole house feels it. My wife feels it. Then I want to jump in and help.
Help with homework? Yeah, I can do that. What do you need? “Dad! Why do I have to learn this!? Am I ever going to need to use algebra in the real world?”
Uhhhh….damn. Not that question. Please, for the love of all that’s good, just do your homework like every other 13 year old.
Yeah, wrong answer, dad. Try again. Be patient. Be understanding.
It’s now 1030pm. I’m out of patience and energy. I’m quickly failing and my practice of being who I want to be is not working the way I thought it would.
How much practice am I going to need? Does this get better? Do we really need to learn algebra anyway? Why can’t I be consistent with my reactions and what’s it going to take to make this better?
It’s Not a Discipline Problem
Most people would think this is a discipline problem.
If I could just be more patient. If I could just control my reactions better. If I could just practice harder.
But that’s not it.
What I’m realizing in that exchange isn’t that I need more discipline. The problem is I don’t trust myself.
I was standing there at 1030pm, exhausted, thinking “I’m failing. I can’t even handle her homework without losing it.”
But here’s the thing: I wasn’t actually failing. I was making my daughter’s mood the enemy. She was making the homework the enemy. We were both in victim mode. We were blaming the thing in front of us instead of owning how we were responding to it.
That’s the trap. When you’re the victim, you can’t trust yourself. You’re just reacting.
And there’s a voice in my head saying “you’re a bad dad”? That’s not me. That’s conditioning. I’m the one noticing the voice. And noticing it means I can choose not to believe it.
There Is No Arrival
Here’s what I needed to understand: There is no arrival. No point where I finally “master” parenting and never get frustrated again. No amount of discipline is going to eliminate the discomfort of watching my daughter struggle.
The shift happened when I stopped seeing her mood as a problem to fix and started trusting it was part of her becoming who she needs to be.
That’s when the struggle disappeared.
Not because I got better at discipline. Because I started trusting that what was happening, although frustrating, uncomfortable, and imperfect, was exactly what needed to happen.
This Shows Up Everywhere
This struggle and clinging to being disciplined and perfect happens all the time. Every day you will notice this. Why? Because you care. You care enough to become a better person.
This happens at work when you want to be more efficient and effective but you experience failures and frustration. This happens when you want your wife to be happy but she’s pissed. This happens when you want to get to the gym at 5am but you’re so damn tired you can’t begin to imagine getting up.
But it’s not the discipline of doing that makes the difference. It’s the practice of trusting yourself that does.
You can take on all of the new habits you want to take on. But what you can’t do is control life. You’re just going to feel defeated and burned out if you don’t let go and trust that your efforts in the ways they come are enough.
Judging yourself from your perceived failures only compounds your reflex to not feel like dirt. But the more you try and force discipline and will power, the worse you’re going to feel.
Start Here
Stop trying to force yourself into being someone different. Start trusting who you already are.
Here’s what to do this week:
Pick one area where you’re trying to force discipline. Work, family, health, whatever.
Notice the gap. The space between who you’re trying to be and how you’re actually showing up. That gap? That’s where the self-judgment lives.
Now ask yourself: What if there’s nothing wrong with how I’m showing up? What if the struggle itself is part of the process?
Here’s the practice: Let go of one thing you’re trying to control. Let your spouse have their mood. Let your kid struggle with their homework. Let yourself skip the gym without the guilt spiral.
Trust that what’s happening, though it’s frustrating, uncomfortable, and imperfect, is exactly what needs to happen.
Want to Gain Clarity on Where You’re At?
Most men I work with think they know what’s holding them back. But when they actually look, really look, they realize the pattern is different than they thought.
I created a free assessment that cuts through the noise and shows you exactly where you’re stuck. Not what you should be working on. Where you actually are. From there you can see where you need to place your intentions.
It’s designed for men who are successful on paper but disconnected inside. Who are tired of performing and ready to see what’s real. And when you see what’s real you can confidently take on life with renewed energy. Things like work issues, relationship challenges, personal goals, and homework problems for your daughter you haven’t had to do since 1997.
Get the Clarity Assessment Here
You don’t need more discipline. You need more trust. Start there.
Learn more about gaining clarity in your life at Life Made Conscious
I’ll talk to you soon,
John
What are your thoughts?