What if your pursuit of self-improvement has become another form of self-avoidance?
You can study and emulate what you want to be true. But never experience the truth of being.
Taking risks. Evolving.
We spend most of our lives trying to move from one station in life to the next.
Get good grades.
Get into college.
Get a good job.
Make a career.
Get married.
Have kids.
Retire.
Achieve, impress, climb the ladder of success.
All that time, we’re still seeking something more.
I’ve been reading books on self help and psychology for years. Podcasts. Interviews. Courses. Meditation. Journaling. I’ve learned a ton over those years.
A few years ago, it hit me.
The more I would take in the more I would be overwhelmed with new information.
New insights led to more fixing.
New practices led to more to do lists.
Improving myself was becoming a part time job.
And it was actually causing some stress in my life. But wait? This is supposed to be making my life easier, right?
I’d scroll through videos about mindset or purpose and feel inspired for five minutes, then the day would take over. Back to baseline.
I was using my self help practice as a life raft.
And fitting it in my schedule became a chore.
But the arrival I was expecting never came.
One night I caught myself reading a book on “overcoming resistance.” I closed it and laughed.
I wasn’t resisting life, I was resisting resting my mind.
Every time discomfort came up, I tried to fix it. I turned healing into another goal.
Instead of getting to bed on time and laying off the Starbucks after lunch so I could actually rest my mind and body properly, I would just do more.
I would continue to dive into new You Tube videos thinking that would do it.
That was the moment I realized I’d fallen into what’s called the self-help trap.
Where growth becomes an endless project, and presence quietly disappears.
The self-help trap is seductive because it looks like progress.
You feel productive. You’re working on yourself. But beneath the surface, it’s still control in new form.
The same part of you that once chased achievements now chases enlightenment. The same perfectionism that once drove your career now drives your “inner work.” Actual self realization doesn’t mean more thinking and doing, it requires more presence.
It’s not stacking more practices, podcasts, or morning routines. It’s learning to pause long enough to feel what’s really inside you.
Without trying to improve it.
I type this and my mind is saying “Yeah, you just keep thinking that. Less doing means less results.”
But here’s the thing.
You don’t become more conscious by adding information. You become more conscious by being willing to experience life without filtering it through constant self-correction.
When you stop trying to fix yourself, you start to meet yourself.
That’s when things begin to integrate. Letting go of control requires us to meet ourselves at a level of acceptance. Right where we are.
The need for our minds to go into doing mode is unavoidable. We lead our conscious awareness with our minds. We can’t not do this.
All of our outward efforts that have led to our success are great. Except one thing.
“I should be happier by now.” But you’re not.
So of course you start working on yourself. You read, you listen, you reflect. But you still feel like you’re searching.
That’s because you’ve turned self-development into another arena for performance.
Your mind says, “If I can just figure this out, I’ll finally relax.” But the truth is the figuring out is what keeps you from relaxing.
When self growth is driven by anxiety from a place of lack, it reinforces the same exhaustion you’re trying to escape.
You don’t need to become a new version of yourself.
You actually can’t no matter how hard you try.
You need to remember the self that’s already here beneath the conditioned form you think you are.
The one that breathes, notices, and responds to life without needing to perfect it. The same you that used to play, have fun, and was curious about simply being alive.
Self growth and improvement is a crucial part of evolving. But it’s not about doing more.
Don’t fall into the trap.
If any of this feels familiar. The constant self-monitoring, the exhaustion of trying to “get there”. The guilt when you can’t keep up with your own expectations. Consider this an invitation to consider a new approach.
Not to stop growing, but to grow differently.
This week, instead of adding another routine, try this:
- Take a slow walk without any stimulus like your phone or music.
- Try being bored
- Notice what you feel without naming it “good” or “bad.”
You might be surprised by how quickly life starts to speak when you stop trying to fix it.
You are not a problem to be solved.
You don’t need to add to your to do list.
You need to create space to experience yourself fully.
If what you’re reading speaks to you, I’d love to talk with you 1:1.
You’ll get a chance to experience the power of your being. What life could look like for you without more doing, stress, and overthinking. We’ll talk about your goals, fears, and what you think is holding you back from living life the way you want.
You’ll leave with clarity on what you want and what to focus on next.
The talk is free. No strings attached.
Getting on track with the life you want isn’t hard and you don’t need to drown yourself in self help.
You just need clarity.
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I’ll talk to you soon,
John
What are your thoughts?