Being in control isn’t keeping you safe. It’s keeping you stuck. It’s keeping you burned out. It’s keeping you frustrated.
Every time you micromanage your work, relationships, family, the conversations in your head, and every decision, you aren’t actually living life.
You’re not creating certainty. You’re creating a cycle of struggle.
I’m in the middle of a long standing experiment for myself.
How much control can I give up?
How open to letting go to possibility can I lean into?
Can I be ok when things don’t go how I want them to go?
When the kids are upset.
When my wife is not feeling her best.
When my expectations for my business aren’t happening in the way I expect.
When I’m not feeling young anymore and my body is reminding me my age.
This experiment was inspired by many things including working with my clients throughout the years.
One of those clients I’ve been inspired by is Aaron, who is an owner of a family business. As the 3rd generation of owners, he’s built his entire identity around being organized, being accountable, and delivering consistent results.
But at home, his marriage is struggling. He’s a good dad but his kids don’t know what to expect when he gets home.
He’s struggling with burnout and can’t get his footing on his mood. Despite his company’s success, he’s not able to find consistent peace.
For him, it’s not the “want to” that’s lacking.
He cares and he’s willing to work. It’s a matter of not understanding a different approach to his challenges and circumstances.
The more you try to control life, the less control you actually have.
Control is the mind’s misguided attempt at creating safety. Our minds are conditioned to meeting desired outcomes. And being safe doesn’t mean you’re escaping imminent danger.
It can mean failing at something.
Not performing at a high level.
Not meeting a goal.
Letting someone down.
But real safety doesn’t come from predicting every outcome or preventing every mistake. It comes from knowing you can handle whatever happens next.
I used to play golf. I haven’t played in a few years but I think about what I learned often.
When you grip the club too tightly, you over correct or over swing. You aren’t able to use your whole body with your swing. You’re tight.
It’s like we’re trying to force the ball where we want it to go. And the more we cling to forcing it where we want it to go, the more the ball flies off.
Into the woods. The rough. The water. The parking lot. I know all about this.
The same happens in life. When we clench around uncertainty, we lose access to our intuition, creativity, and connection.
You’ve got to be present with the moment. Feet on the ground. Club in hand. Ball in front of you. Playing a game. It should be enjoyable. Remember?
It’s just that simple.
Control kills presence. And without presence, we’re just going through motions, missing the life happening right in front of us.
The truth is, you can’t control:
How others feel about you
How every project unfolds
What your children become
Most of what happens in the future
And the exhaustion, stress, and overwhelm you feel isn’t from doing too much, it’s from trying to control too much.
Control doesn’t just exhaust you, it isolates you.
Because you can’t control someone and truly connect with them at the same time.
This shows up as:
Correcting your partner mid-sentence
Mentally rehearsing conversations instead of being in them
Resisting feedback that challenges your perception
Staying busy to avoid feelings of uncertainty
Each of these moments is a choice to prioritize the illusion of control over the reality of connection.
When Aaron and I realize our need to control is actually a fear of trusting. Trusting ourselves, trusting others, trusting life.
Everything shifts.
Letting go is a scary practice. It’s really hard.
But it isn’t weakness. It’s a form of intelligence. It’s learning to persevere rather than trying to force your life.
Here’s a simple practice:
Notice the control response in your body. Tension in your shoulders, shallow breathing, clenched jaw. These are physical signals you’re trying to control rather than connect.
Pause and take one conscious breath. This small space between stimulus and response is where your freedom lives.
Trust your capacity to meet whatever comes. Remind yourself: “I don’t need to control this moment to be okay in it.”
This simple practice of notice, pause, trust begins to rewire your nervous system from control mode to connection mode.
When I started practicing this, the changes were subtle but profound.
Just about everything can shift.
I can listen to my wife without immediately proposing solutions.
I can allow my kids to make mistakes without trying to fix everything.
But here’s the thing. I’m not less responsible. I’m just more present. And from presence comes a different kind of power.
Not the power of control, but the power of genuine influence.
Because nobody is following a control freak. People follow truth. And presence is truth.
And truth is love.
So what now?
You’ve recognized the cost of control in your life. You’ve seen how it might be disconnecting you from what matters most.
This is the edge where transformation happens.
Not in understanding the concepts, but in living them daily in those moments when you feel most compelled to work harder or control more.
I’ve watched men transform this pattern in weeks, not years. Not because they became perfect at letting go, but because they were willing to practice presence instead of perfection.
So here’s something you can do.
You can’t let go if you still believe you’re in control.
But when you realize control was always an illusion.
And that life flows whether you clench or release.
And everything starts to shift.
Next time you catch yourself tightening around a situation, ask yourself: “What if I trusted myself to handle whatever happens next?” Feel the difference in your body as you release.
If you’re ready to explore what life looks like beyond the exhaustion of control, join us in the Life Made Conscious Community where we’re practicing living from trust. It’s a small group of like minded guys who have similar goals in making their lives, relationships, and work more focused, clear, and grounded.
If you’re looking for 1:1 coaching where we can get down to your core issues, connect with me here and set up a free call.
The call will give you a clear idea of what your wants are and what’s stopping you from getting them. I’d love to connect with you even if you aren’t ready for the 1:1 coaching yet.
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I’ll talk to you soon,
John
What are your thoughts?