“My husband is depressed” What you can do about it

Have you been thinking “my husband is depressed” but aren’t sure what to do?  I read a book 3 years ago that changed how I approached counseling.  It’s called “I Don’t Want to Talk About It” by Terry Real.

In the book, Terry writes about men and depression and the cycle of shame that comes with it.  Men who are too ashamed of their depression to get help and the consistent depression that leads to more unhealthy shame.  Men who have been abused verbally, physically, and sometimes sexually but cannot even think about getting the help they need. Men who would rather suffer in silence than to be labeled as “weak” or needy.  More importantly, the book talks about the men who have decided that facing their struggle with depression head on is a change that they are willing to make.  (You can read more about the book here)

If your husband is depressed, there is something you can do about it.  And if his depression is causing harm to your family and marriage, there are steps you HAVE to take.

What is causing my husband’s depression?

The million dollar question.  Everyone wants to know, including him.  It could be shamed based from past events, or learned behavior from a parent, or it could be that he is just not happy with how his life is going.  It could be a lot of things.  What’s more important is that it’s time for him to be ready to get help with it.  This is something nobody can do on their own.  He’s tried for a long time to deal with it alone but it’s time for something new.

Read more on my thoughts about why change in a relationship can be so difficult.

What can I do about it?

How can you make someone you love change? Unfortunately, you can’t force people to change. Here’s what you CAN do:

• Approach him about his depression (from a place of love) if you haven’t already.

  Tell him you are concerned and want to know how you can help.  By doing this, you’ll be better able to approach a very sensitive subject with him.

• Recommend he sees a counselor and/or gets a psychiatric evaluation.

  Chances are if things are bad enough, you won’t second guess whether or not he needs to see a therapist.  Besides, it won’t hurt to see one.  You can help him find a therapist that will meet his needs.

• Set boundaries and expectations.

  Tell him what will happen if he does not seek an appointment with a therapist, if he chooses not to go.  Find your leverage.  If you’re willing to take it a step further, recommend that you both go to a couples counselor.  Ask the counselor how you can help facilitate a behavioral change for him.

What should I not do?

•  Stop enabling him.

  This means stop babying him by not allowing him to face this issue head on.  It’s not ok that he isolates.  It’s not ok that he handles his depression by drinking, for example.  You need to stop your participation in his current behavior.  He’ll get the message.

• Acting like this will get better on it’s own.

It won’t.  Don’t wait for things to get worse before you both decide to do something about it.

• Don’t shame him about his mood or depression.

  If you are angry with him, that’s understandable but do not approach him wanting him to change  by expressing your anger.  This can cause more shame and distancing from him.

What am I responsible for?

Take care of yourself and your family by holding firm with your clear boundaries and expectations. Seek your own support through counseling or groups of people.  Remember you are not  responsible for someone else’s behavior.  The best way to empower yourself and set an example for your family is to focus on what you can control.

Chances are if you think there is a problem, there probably is.  Men who are too prideful, shameful, and unable to seek help will not easily change on their own.  It is your responsibility as a spouse to do what you can to help you, your family, and your marriage.  Show him how much you care about him and your relationship by making the changes you need to first.  By doing this you can show him how to make the hard changes that are necessary.  If you feel like you are at a dead end with his depression and behavior, know that there are better ways and there is help out there.  First, you have to step through that door to see the options you aren’t able to currently see.