5 ways to deal with difficult relatives

I was recently talking to a woman who dreads family gatherings.  She says, “It’s my cousins and aunt. Nothing I do or say can escape criticism or comments.”  They still judge and tease her as if she was a helpless 12 year old.  She’s 26 now.  She tells me how much she resents this side of her family and how she lets them dictate her behavior and mood. She comes to family functions dreading them, bracing herself for what they are going to say to her, dismiss her, or minimize her.  She leaves angry.  Annoyed.  Embarrassed.  For days after she’s upset with herself for allowing them to get to her.

I’m fortunate.  I actually get along with my family and my in-laws.  I actually enjoy spending time with them. But, for many people family gatherings, or even having contact with certain relatives, is a source of dread.  Seeing those family members, or in-laws, that irritate, annoy, or just plain piss you off, can be a source of tension and stress.  If you are one of the many who are constantly finding ways to get out of family functions, shows up late and leaves early, has a hard time holding your tongue, these suggestions might help you.  You can’t get rid of your family, so you have to learn to deal with them.  But you also don’t have to suffer.

5 Ways to Deal with Difficult Relatives

1.  Know your limitations

Chances are whatever has created conflict between you and this person won’t be resolved the next time you meet.  There’s nothing you can do, or won’t do, that will affect the way they view you.  If you go all out and want a “heart to heart” to heal things over with them, that’s great!  If that’s not something you’re interested in doing at the moment, that’s fine.  Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.  Remember, you’re not the reason they act the way they do.

2.  Recognize their limitations

Though it seems that some people’s main objective is to irritate you, this isn’t the case.  People are doing what they do.  If they bother you, they probably bother others.  This is how they operate.  Here’s another thing which might be hard to consider true.  They are probably not aware of the severity of their behavior.  It’s really sad for them, actually.  You’re likely not the only person who’s been repelled by their behaviors. They are limited in what they can do.  They only know how to do what they know how to do.

3.  Use foresight and a plan

If you’ve had issues with this relative before you probably know what kinds of things they are going to do and say.  You know how they operate.  Plan for it.  By doing this, you can script through how you want the conversations to go, for example.  It’s also possible that you plan out how to avoid a certain person if they are causing you distress.  No problem with this.  Don’t feel guilty about it.

4.  Recognize your options

Don’t allow yourself to be a victim.  Don’t walk away from an interaction feeling you were taken advantage of.  You don’t have to.  While it might be next to impossible to never speak to them again, you aren’t obligated to spend any certain amount of time with them.  Don’t be afraid to assert what you want.  When we feel trapped, this is when resentment develops.  Don’t allow yourself to be trapped. Give yourself options and be ok with choosing what’s best for you.

5.  See the bigger picture

It’s hard enough dealing with someone you don’t like.  Don’t allow one person to ruin what could be a good family gathering.  Focus on those people that you do enjoy.  It’s just not worth it.  Try remembering some times that you have had with them that are positive and allowing the possibility for more.

 

Not getting along with the mother or father-in-law

What if this relative is a mother or father-in-law?  You are going to have more contact with them than your inappropriate aunt or cousin.  Selectively avoiding this person will more than likely not be an option.  If tensions are serious enough, consider seeking out a family counselor to help address your concerns.  You do not have to allow this strained relationship disrupt your family life or marriage.  Seek help.

Confronting them

If you think that you’re ready, it might be time to have a talk with this person.  Tell them what is bothering you about your interactions with them.  You might be surprised how they react.  If you’re not ready to talk to them, or do not think that it’s worth your effort, ask yourself why.  If you do not feel that you can have any influence on them, consider more in depth why you are so bothered.  Is it possible that you are being too sensitive?  Are you the one being unreasonable?

Whatever you choose to do, recognize your choices!  You are not obligated to do anything, or interact with anyone, in anyway you choose not to.  Once you get away from sensing you are trapped, you might be surprised how easier it is to be around those “difficult” relatives.