What some troubled marriages are lacking

The most often heard comment in my office a few weeks into couples counseling:  “I honestly thought we would come into counseling and you’d tell us that HE was the one who needed most of the work!  Now I can see where my own stuff is adding to the problems we are having.”

It is very common for one partner, or both, to come into couples counseling looking for me to say one thing.   These partners want me to confirm that they are not to blame for their relationship falling apart, their partner is.

That’s possibly true.  I’m sure that your partner does deserve some, if not most, of the blame.  Your partner will ultimately have to do a lot of work to hold up to their end of the bargain.  But what about your own role in change? Not only for your relationship, but for you.

Possibly the most important thing that each partner can do for their relationship is to be willing to work on themselves.  The self that they were even before they met their husband or wife.  Notice I didn’t say “successful” at working on themselves.  Instead I would emphasize being “willing” to change.

Thinking of doing marriage counseling? Itching for change or frustrated that your partner can’t seem to “get it”?

Here are some important questions to ask yourself:

• Are you willing to do some self work independent of your relationship?  (Yes, there will be relationship work to do. Are you willing to concentrate on you?  The you you’ve always been long before you met your partner.)
• Are you willing to let your partner do their own self work independent of you and your relationship?
• Are you open to being vulnerable in allowing your partner to help you change and grow?
• Are you willing to let go of holding them responsible for your happiness?

All relationships are a blessing (as well as a curse at times).  Your partner is there to bring about your awareness of self, whether or not either of you realize it.  The good, the bad, especially your parts you don’t like of yourself.  Can you use the context of your relationship to improve not only your relationship but you?